God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
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Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!