I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
You Might Also Like
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
#CatsOnTwitter
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.