me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
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Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.