My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
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Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.