As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
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SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Aaaa…CHOO!
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.