I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
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Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms