Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
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*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news