Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
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Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
japanese corn
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.