The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
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“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!