How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
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DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
who will stop them
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?