*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
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“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I feel this so hard
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves