Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
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You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
See..?
.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
My what?
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose