If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
You Might Also Like
How it started How it’s going
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?