Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
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Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.