I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
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They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Just this preview of the story is enough
That’s classic.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no