“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
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Going back in time, y’all need anything?
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”