If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
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Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!