I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
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Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Guilty! 🤪
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.