Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
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Thoughts
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.