“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
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Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
had to make it
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.