Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
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Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.