Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
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GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
asking santa clause for nudes
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.