Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
You Might Also Like
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again