Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
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Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
that’s really how it is
#StillHurts
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Passwords are more important than ever.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.