IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
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My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Please do it!
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong