Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
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I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Always…
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
🤣🤣💀
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
this is how life feels
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty