Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
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Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.