My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
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Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.