I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
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Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Do one person every day that scares you.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth