My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
You Might Also Like
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?