People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
You Might Also Like
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Tough love is true love
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”