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Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
This kid will have a bright future.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/