Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
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“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
no refunds
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn