the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
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Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.