When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
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I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
In space, no one can hear…
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.