Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
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Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean