Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
You Might Also Like
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!