Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
You Might Also Like
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?