[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
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absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.