Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
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I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
very niche meme I made
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.