If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
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Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Remember folks 😂
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Meanwhile in Canada…
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles