If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
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My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water