wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
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Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search