Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
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just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I need a headline like this
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.