I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
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I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
I think they could have phrased this better
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Please do it!
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
i wish all
whales
a very
big
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.