Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
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My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.