If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
You Might Also Like
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
*seductively peels off lederhosen
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard