Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
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My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat