“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
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Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Love it! 👍😂
The point of your 20s
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…