I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
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Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.